How do you support a partner struggling with problems very far outside your or their control?
or: How do we bear witness?
This is an edition of Questions You Have — a special edition of the newsletter where I answer questions submitted by you, dear reader. Got a question? Drop it into this form: https://forms.gle/w88BLRFGRqpWDGtS9
When you love someone, you don’t want them to struggle, of course. You want them to thrive, to laugh, to enjoy being alive.
So when your partner is struggling, your first instinct may be to get in there and solve the problem for them, to end the struggling. Of course! But the phrasing of your question implies that you know this isn’t the answer — not to this problem, not right now. If it were that simple, I don’t think you would’ve submitted this question! Perhaps you’ve tried and failed to solve the problem for your partner; perhaps your partner has told you this problem isn’t yours to solve; perhaps this isn’t a solvable problem at all. And still, they are struggling.
And so you are struggling, too, because watching your partner struggle is its own torture. I imagine Sisyphus’s lover, not doomed to push a rock that falls, over and over, but doomed to watch his lover push a rock that falls, over and over.
When you’re struggling, it’s easier to slip into telling yourself a story of doom. When things are going well, it’s feasible to tell yourself stories of your own positive attributes, your strengths, your successes; when things are going badly, those stories become harder to tell. Instead, the stories we tell ourselves become frantic and illogical, built on faulty premises and faultier conclusions. It’s hard to tell yourself an uplifting story when you can barely put one foot in front of the other. It’s easier, I think, to kick yourself when you’re down. When you’re feeling hopeless, useless, and doomed, it’s easier to tell yourself the story of your hopelessness, uselessness, and doom, because that feels far more real than a story of your success and strength. Maybe your partner is telling themself a story of their own doom right now.
But the loving witness changes everything. Because your existence complicates the story. Your witnessing means there’s at least one other element to their story: you. Witnessing adds dimensionality; witnessing means they’re definitionally not alone.
As the witness, you see more than just the version of your partner that is struggling: you see who they’ve been, who they are, and who they might be. You see the person you fell in love with. You see the person you love.
You see the story of them so clearly.
And so you must tell them. You must tell them, without diminishing what they’re going through, the story of the person you see, who is worthy of and actively receiving your love. There may be elements of doom, uselessness, and hopelessness, but those aren’t the whole story. No matter how bad everything feels, there’s another element: love. Love during the gloom and doom. Love during it all.
So remind them. Tell them who you see before you! Paint them a picture, and paint it with detail, over and over and over, everyday if necessary, maybe even many times a day.
Sometimes it might be hard to tell this story, because their own story of doom might be persistent and seductive. Sometimes giving in to the stories of doom might seem like the path of least resistance. But this is when you must foster your own endurance!
How? By remembering who you are. While you tell your partner a story of who they are, you must also tell yourself a story of who you are. I know that when you love someone, it can feel tempting to spend as much time as possible — maybe all your time! — thinking about them, what they’re going through, and how you’re going to fix it. But you’re not going to fix it. You’re just not! Let them find their own way through, whether that means facing their demons, coexisting with their demons, or something between. While they do that, keep yourself solid. Do the activities that make you feel like yourself. Spend time with the people that make you feel like yourself. Consume art that contextualizes and expands your experience of the world and of life.
This is a hard time, yes, but it’s also the time in which you get to be the person you’ve always wanted to be for your partner, the person they deserve. Be the rock you’ve wanted to be. Be the source of joy. Be the companion, the comedian, the cook, the comforter, the cheerleader. You can be all of those things because you want to be all of those things. You can be all of those things because you are all of those things. You can be all of those things because love is a force to be reckoned with, and you’re in love. You’re a force to be reckoned with. Remember that!
At some point, your partner might be able to tell themself the story you’re telling them. They might be able to see themself the way you see them. It may take years. It may never fully happen! That’s alright. What a way to spend your life — trying to tell someone you love how you see them. What a gift.
To bear active witness is to love. I imagine Sisyphus’s lover telling him who they see.